"Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates."

"If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish."

"If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner."

"I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk."

"I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs."

"I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing."

"Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas."

"I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense."

"Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse."

"I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them."